Human Cost of War – Joshua Molina

September 1, 2008 at 3:08 am (feelings, friendship)
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A couple of years ago I met a couple of great guys. We were all at Longshores, Alabama for a church beach retreat trying to figure out how to fit Jesus in our lives.

I can’t remember the details, but the overall memory I have of the beach retreat is sweet. I had the deepest conversations with people that understood the struggle of being a Jesus follower. I learned how to forgive myself for feeling unworthy of being saved…how to really accept him and how to look forward to a new life. This retreat was GRAND and life-changing, but I didn’t keep in touch with those great people I met. One of them was Joshua. I started talking to him after my brother befriended him. They were roommates and had a fabulous time making fun of everyone.

He was baptised along with his brother Manuel during the retreat which made me very happy since Josh told me he was going to enlist in the army. We wrote each other a couple of emails back and forth…but I stopped writing back. And I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that. The last email he sent he said we would hang out the summer he was going to come back from Germany, where he ended up being deployed to, which was last summer. I’m really upset I didn’t keep in touch…because now I won’t ever see him or hear from him.

He died serving for this country in March. I found out before July 4th.

Thanks for my freedom, Josh…thank you.

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Fragile: This Drunken College Life

September 27, 2007 at 2:42 pm (Fragile, Jesus, claremont colleges, claremont students, college, college life, drinking in college, feelings, friendship, injustice)

I need Jesus.
There is an aftermath–
Not realizing Kims die, leukemia, blood clot, vegetable—life support, prevention, before
Not realizing Vlads die, depression, friends, hung, prevention, after
Not realizing in sin we all                                                  ( d i e)

Yes, we think it’s far, this                                                 death
And is it really simple to say “I need Jesus”?
When Drugs, Alcohol, Sex (in that order?) usurp as an illusion of freedom?
The rulers of self stupidity

How do you forgive yourself?
How do I forgive myself?
With saliva wasteful words.

I’m sorry I’m the deliverer of        Y         O          U        R       news
Reality: Walking, running, dying                                                alone
Being beyond the gateway,
Only the angels to protest the
Lights, the
Shouts, the
Sleep, the deprived sleep
Dresses making you shatter to pieces
Sick, wounded, hurt— just ill
Torn emotions—can you remember?
Finding new masks in someone else—You drunk
Do you feel fulfilled?

Your purpose gone
Un                            n    o      t         i        c          e         d

In some twisted way, the lights, the shouts
Shout against you, just Die along

Catalyzing that process, much?
STOP!
Frustration is the element,
No zinc
No sulfur
No potassium
No tungsten
No roentgenium
GOLD?
YES! Give us GOD sowecansurvive
soyoucanweep, really, the liquor from your system
I’m sorry I don’t comprehend this–
frustration
interruption
bad days
good follow then bad
more good than bad
Drinks.
But I smell his shirt and his shirt
his shirt smells like disaster
Know the feeling?
Literally and analytically upset–
the sensation in which everything is surrounded
by a pack of futile butterflies.
The sheep killing rush where–
Y
O
U
Are the sheep and
YOU
Are that homicidal psycho, loser
It’s the science of death catalyzed
into a recognized bloomy school…
–ground zero’s location’s traffic jam making me so…so
Ill
I need Jesus.

I have not collapsed into the fluid cycle, submissively
But I dwell in the now, and it’s hard to keep on paddling away, should I submit?
These booty-trapped minds enslaved by possible capsules shocking me
Turning me ill

And sickly, I sit on the earth’s trash vomiting it all

Loving this campus life, not realizing the effects of its aftermath
———————————————–

Loving a lie, not realizing in Adam all die
Loving a lie, not realizing in Adam all die
Loving a lie, not realizing in Adam all die
Loving a lie, not realizing in Adam all die
- Lauryn Hill, “The Mystery of Iniquity”

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l’adieu parfait?

September 1, 2007 at 1:13 pm (college, communication, feelings, friendship)

Think life’s not a theatre? My mind’s the perfect stage. Several plays showcase situations through every angle, believable or not. This “saying goodbye” reality, however, was not properly rehearsed and I was honestly scared.

My Grandma always said “Adios” was forever and “hasta luego” was casual. I said Adios to my Grandma at age nine. I can’t explain the feeling, but it felt fatal. I had a seasony red&green dress. I call her sometimes…but the sound of her voice does not compare to her touch. It’s achy.

My stage plays the scene, but I was nine—most of it is improv, I can’t remember the exact lines. It was a Sunday.

The KIPP survivors promised to regroup. We’ll apply to the same colleges. For that scene, I have the correct lines—emails, chat archives, notebook entries, scarifications…we’ll apply to the same colleges. St. Edwards, University of Houston, UTSA, UTAustin, UTArlington, Southwestern, Rochester, Scripps, Dartmouth, Georgetown.

That goodbye sensation was in my stomach way before we all had to say our goodbyes. Our promise should’ve been We’ll attend the same school. Bummer.

I am sitting, legs crossed, in front of my laptop, typing away my second day in a dorm that fits three.

The saying goodbye part was cryable. I debated whether I was going to use “Adios” or “Hasta Luego,” but when the time came I could only hold back the water balloon within me while saying “bye.” It was 3:30am.

I keep playing the lines over and over again. Maybe I should have stayed?

Nope. I love Scripps already.

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Fragile: Friendship in Mary Shelley’s words…

August 21, 2007 at 11:29 am (Fragile, communication, feelings, friendship, quotes)

Ah! Just when I thought my summer reading homework could not torture me anymore, I HAPPEN to come across this quote:

“When I am glowing with the enthusiasm of success, there will be none to participate my joy; if I am assailed by disappointment, no one will endeavour to sustain me in dejection. I shall commit my thoughts to paper, it is true; but that is a poor medium for the communication of feeling.” –RW, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Ever read a couple of sentences and felt your heart beat so intensively that the feeling was beyond the borders of understanding? Simple torture.

All this high school drama will be over in 10 days.

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